Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Inadequate

It's funny... I had a completely different blog post in the works for today about a completely different topic. But late last night (or rather very early this morning) as I was laying in bed and trying my very best to get some amount sleep, these words circled around in my brain on a loop until I eventually drifted off.  

Remember when I said that I was going to turn this space into more of a journal and less of a traditional blog?  Things are about to get heavy.  If that's not for you, then please don't continue. 

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It baffles me that even though God is standing right beside me, shouting the truth into my ear through the loudest megaphone, that it's the quiet whispers of the devil that I hear, whose lies creep up slowly like smoke,  turning everything they cover black.  It tells me over and over again that I'm not good enough and that I never was and that I never will be.  I freely admit that I've spent the majority of my life here, covered in darkness, trying to find my way out.  

I've been pretty open in the past with my struggles with depression and anxiety.  It's a pretty nasty disease that I fight with on a consistent basis.  It sucks, plain and simple.  At one time it even completely ruled my life.  Now I have a handle on it, mostly.  

I say mostly because I feel like I've spent the past few months in a fog, quiet and withdrawn.  And to be perfectly honest it scares the hell out of me, because I know just how slippery of a slope it is and how very easy it can be to fall head first into that pit of utter despair.  But it's that one lie that I can't seem to shake.  

The truth is, I don't have a lot of friends.  I have hundreds of acquaintances, most of whom who actually know my story, but only one or two close friends.  And that's ok, I love those good friends dearly.  I just hate that I have a hard time connecting with people.  I'm shy, awkward, and am not at all eloquent.  And until I'm completely comfortable with someone I usually keep to myself.  Unfortunately, I don't usually get the chance to become comfortable with most people because those quirks of mine don't exactly lend themselves to being included.  

I'm 29 years old and sometimes I think it hurts just as much as it did when I was 13 to be left out, just in a different way.  It's not fun seeing pictures of the wonderful baby shower thrown for a friend that no one thought to invite you to.  It hurts to hear all about how wonderful the food was at the person you thought you made a connection withs birthday dinner.  And listing to people talk about the fun girls game night that everyone but you goes to is heartbreaking.  And it's downright insulting when the only time you are included is in an effort to sell you something from this person or that person's home business.  

So I did what I do best.  I withdrew, retreated, tagged out, quit making an effort, whatever you want to call it.  I stopped finding joy in the things I used to love.  I've been nasty to my husband who has been nothing but amazing, I've stopped participating in groups that I'm involved with, I've stopped talking to people, and I've even gone as far as to stop going to church regularly.  And let me be the first to say that I know that it was not the right response.  

I have these feelings of inadequacy that I've never been able to let go of.  I think I've always had them, from the time I was little to right this very second. And sometimes I can overcome them and sometimes I allow them to dictate how I feel and see things around me.  I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  And I know that God loves me just as I am.  But sometimes I can't fathom why that same love isn't always extended by others.  It honestly hurts my heart.

And then that one lie snowballs into a million other lies.  I tell myself that maybe I'm selfish or am acting entitled.  Or perhaps I'm just not the kind of person that people want to be around. I get self conscious.  Is it because I have nothing in common with anyone?  Is it because I'm overweight?  It is because I had my kids young?  Is it because my hair is brown?  These are all completely ridiculous notions and logically in my head  I know that this is all Satan's trickery, but I still find myself falling victim to it.

Like I said, it's a slippery slope.  And I may as well be running across a linoleum floor in socks for how fast I'm going.

I have this amazing testimony of how I use the love of God to overcome depression.  But He is still writing my story and this is a battle that I'm pretty sure I will no doubt spend the rest of my life fighting. There is a reason that I don't see and will certainly never understand as to why I am the way that I am and why I feel the way that I do.  There is a reason why I struggle with this disease.  And at every turn I'm trying my very best to use it not as a crutch but as a tool to draw closer to God.  Things will get better and eventually I'll get out of this funk that I'm in.  It's just the part between the beginning and the end that I've got to work through. 

 If you think of it, please pray for me, friends. 

7 comments:

Emily Fletcher said...

I love you <3
Emily

Quilting Mama said...

Tears. Prayers. Apologies.

Alyssa S. said...

It's times like these I wish I were nearby because I'd totally drag you out of the house for coffee :) You are an amazing person and even thought we've never met in person, I can tell you are definitely the kind of girl I'd love to hang with. Though I've been spared depression and anxiety you are working so hard to face, I have also lived a life of often being the odd person in the crowd. I won't lie and pretend that I didn't wish I fit in better, but maybe it's my age but I've learned to be OK with being "the quirky one". Here in Texas I have exactly two friends who I ever "hang out" with. Two of them live in different, far away towns and I'm lucky if I see them once or twice per year. The other lives near but works a lot, so see her about as rarely. I'm sorry you get left out. That is hurtful, no matter how old you are.

I don't have a whole lot of sage advice, but I will say, even though it's completely counter to my nature, I've made a bigger effort to make the first move and invite people out for coffee or lunch. I won't lie...people flake out on me all the time, but I try not to take it too personally because I know my friends are busy people too. And I keep asking :)

HUGS Amanda. You are more than adequate. In fact, you are pretty awesome :)

Kara k said...

Oh Amanda, I always pray for the people that I hold dear to my heart, and I will continue to do so... You are very special and not even close to inadequate in my eyes, for what its worth... your an amazing mother: obvious proof, your beautiful, smart, precious boys, awesome wife: one of the most beautiful 10 years Ive seen... wonderful hostess :)... With my life I cant have many friends, but with your friendship... every ounce of my efforts and love goes into each moment, and Im thanking YOU... I dont say it enough, but I think all those things, all the time... But I will pray for you for all those reasons and more... :)

"If I could sit across the porch from God... Id thank Him for sending me... you"

Michele said...

Always praying for you and your family. Sorry that I haven't been able to be there for you through these hard times. Even though we don't speak often, please know that David, Saige and I are always there for you!

Jessi Francis said...

Praying for you, sister in Christ!

Nen said...

I am WAY behind on reading blogs (obviously)... but I meandered over to yours... and it's funny I did today. I can totally relate to this post. I never had many friends growing up... and then when everyone else went off to college, I went to work. My grand plans of getting married and starting a family right away didn't work out. So I had my sister and some work "friends" (who were all old enough to be my parents!). Even being involved in church didn't get me anywhere because there was no one young! It was only by God's grace that I met Cory, no doubt! Anyway... Here I am almost 30 and I STILL don't have any friends. I hang out with my 62 yr old neighbor - and I'm so thankful to have her! It would sure be nice to have friends my own age... but like you, I'm awkward, shy and feel out of place. I've even tried taking Eloise to the library to let her find friends and maybe meet a few moms. Fail (at least on my part). If we lived closer, we would totally be awkward friends together!! I think you'd make a great friend!!